Made in the Shade

Temperatures in St. Louis have been peaking in the 90's.  Elsewhere, they have been in the 3-digit range.  Time to seek one of life's simple pleasures: a giant shade tree.  It's summertime, folks.  Time to be lazy.  What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon, relaxing under the boughs of a big shady tree.

  

Wouldn't this be nice, on a long hot day?  

Now let's talk about some different kinds of shades.

Elizabeth Montgomery, c.1960 - star of TV sitcom Bewitched.

If you don't know who this is, "Fuck you!" Cool dude, cool glasses.

Hundreds of years ago, Inuit people wore flattened walrus ivory "glasses," looking through narrow slits to block sun rays reflected off the snow.  Sunglasses made from flat panes of smoky quartz to protect the eyes from glare were used in China in the 12th century, and ancient documents describe crystal sunglasses worn by judges in Chinese courts, to conceal their facial expressions while questioning witnesses.  The Roman emperor Nero liked to watch gladiator fights with emeralds (what a sneaky way to wear jewels).   In the early 1920s, the use of sunglasses became more widespread, especially among movie stars, to avoid recognition by fans. (An alternative reason sometimes given is that they often had red eyes from the powerful arc lamps used on set – YEAH RIGHT, if you ask me, it was to conceal bloodshot eyes from drugs, booze, and wild nights).

My collection of shades. To hide me from the paparazzi.  Truth is, they hide the crow's feet.  Real truth is, I don't wear 'em, cause as soon as I walk out the door with 'em, they're as good as lost.

Shade pick of the day.  Found them on ebay, sending for a pair today.

LET THE RANTING BEGIN!

Started with "Made in the Shade." Switching to "Why Were These Shades Made?" 

WHY do these horrible tacky lampshades seek me out?  I have bad-shade radar (shade-dar? A new Davidism?). 

Refer also to Shady Characters, April 6 2015.

"Study in Black and White"

I don't know what the fuck this is.  A cinnamon roll?  A flower?  A colonoscopy ("Kodak moment")?

"Whore Decor"

I never realized there was such a market for streetwalker lighting.  Once again, this seems to be made from Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie.  Perhaps I could open a chain of stores named Whore Decor.  I see a lot of crap that could fill the shelves.  But would anyone even buy it?  Maybe it's all supply, no demand.  I don't even think a hooker would buy this shit.  Hookers have style.

I thought hookers just used streetlights anyway.  With these they could have their own stylish corner.  (PS- available in my shop.)

"Stripper"

Once again we're talking about a shady profession.  I'm all about "The Right Amount of Shitty" but this is "A Fuckin' Pity."  

Mungo Jerry, "In the Summertime"

"In the summertime when the weather is high
You can stretch right up and touch the sky
When the weather's fine
You got women, you got women on your mind"